Making Friends

Dan and I have a knack for making friends everywhere we go. I am being serious when I say this. We are always striking up conversations with people we meet in the grocery store, the automotive shop, the bank, etc. But more than that we have a gift of befriending our neighbors. I don't know why this is. And I can honestly say neither of us are weirdos, we are just genuinely nice and friendly people, and I think people can read that about you if you give off those vibes. I am a great believer in the vibes people send off and how others read them.

The first neighbor we became super close with was Danie, who is now my bestfriend. That was just a little over three years ago. This past summer we made another great friend. She started off as a neighbor, but has now become a wonderful friend to the both of us, but especially to me. Our neighbor Shakela is just wonderful. She is generous, funny, and a miraculous cook (whom invites me and Jeremiah to dinner every weekend, because Dan works on the weekends and it is boring to cook for just me and a small child who hardly eats (literally I don't know how he is alive, I joke that he lives off air)).

Not only that, but Shakela has three beautiful, totally awesome kids. Her oldest is 6 year old Khalil, her middle is 5 year old Saa'mia, and her youngest is 3 year old Sakinah. I am not the only one who has made a friend. Jeremiah has too. Shakela's children have become Jeremiah's first real friends outside of school and I am so proud. Since Jeremiah has a high functioning form of Autism, it can be difficult for him to make friends, due in part because of his lack of communication. I mean he talks, but not perfectly, and sometimes that stands in his way.

Over the summer Jeremiah followed Shakela's bunch like a lost puppy. He would ride his bike with them, play in the dirt with them, and watch cartoons with them. Curently they have an ongoing game of Vampire! A game in which Khalil plays pretend to be a vampire and the others run around screaming, while he chases them, pretending to attack them and suck their blood. I know it sounds crazy and for the most part when the kids get together it is crazy and wild, but it makes for good laughs.

While Jeremiah was busy with that I found myself spending more time with Shakela. It started off with a casual hey, then we started talking about the kids, we began to learn about each other's likes, what we had in common, sharing stories about our pasts, and as they say the rest is history. Now we are always knocking on each other's doors rather it be to borrow sugar, eat dinner together, let the children play, watch our favorite shows together, or just to talk. It is fun and wonderful to have a friend/neighbor like this. Not many people become this close to their neighbors.

But you know how they say all good things come to an end...well I fear this is the end. We didn't have a falling out or anything like that. No. Shakela may be moving at the end of this month and I am not entirely happy. To be dead honest I am not happy at all.

She recently found a place that tickled her pink and she put in her application. She is currently awaiting the verdict of rather or not she is getting the place. If not then most likely she will be renewing her lease. If she does get approved then at the end of this month we have to say our goodbyes. I hate, absolutely hate goodbyes. I have never been good with them, they break my heart, and make me feel empty inside.

A part of me hopes she gets the place, because I know it would make her happy. But for my own selfish reasons I don't want to see her go. We have become so close and I feel so comfortable with her. She is right across the hall, she fills my days with something to look forward to, someone to talk to and laugh with, and Jeremiah's little heart will be broken when he can no longer go over there and play with his friends.

Fortunately she isn't moving far. We can still visit one another, she is moving close by Jeremiah's school, so there will be plenty of oppurtunities for us to see each other, andof course for the kids to visit and play their games.

It still sucks, but at the very least I made a great neighbor and turned her into a great friend. And Jeremiah finally made some friends too. Hopefully, we get another cool neighbor, but probably no one that quite compares to Shakela.

Thanks chica for being an awesome neighbor, a wonderful new friend, and I hope that even if you move away we continue to see each other often, that we may build upon our friendship, and that our children may grow up into lifelong friends. Love ya...and the little ones!

Dreams, Expectations, and Gender Disappointment...

Everyone has wants and dreams. The lucky ones will see their dreams fulfilled and for some those dreams will never become a reality. I can only hope I am one of the lucky ones and if not then I hope I can be happy with what I do have and not dwell upon what I do not have.

When I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to fill my home with the pitter patter of tiny feet, the laughter of children, family traditions, and fingerpaintings strewn across every available surface. I knew I wanted to be a young mother as well. I still clung to the dreams of having an education, a fabulous career, great friends, and a happy marriage, but having children was nestled right there at the top of the list.

It was no surprise to me when I found myself pregnant. And while I admitt there were moments in which I felt nervous, there were more moments in which I was thrilled beyond belief. My dream of becoming a mother was coming true.

When I envisioned this moment, the moment of having my first child, I always seen myself the mother of a beautiful, little girl. Four generations of women in my family had given birth to girls for their firstborns. I never imagined myself any different, why should I break that chain? I knew then, as I know now, the science behind gender. I know that the man's sperm is the one that determines if it will be a boy or girl, but I just knew I was meant to have a daughter.

Until the night before my 19 week ultrasound. I slept hard that night, tossing and turning, and I dreamnt that night, as I always do. The dream was so vivid and felt so real that in the morning I awoke with full rememberance of my dream. As I slept I dreamnt that I was in a hospital and throughout this hospital stood a charming, handsome little boy. I was chasing him, yearning to grab hold of him, but no matter how close I got, I was unable to catch him.

I tried to shake it off, but I just knew it was a sign. I wasn't going to have that sweet baby girl, but rather a baby boy. I made it to my appointment with Dan in tow and as the young, polite ultrasound tech spread the warm gel across my swollen belly and waved her magic wand, pointing to various body parts, showing us the heartbeat, and telling me everything looked just perfect, I was in a daze. She asked us if we would like to know the sex and I nodded earnestly. “It's a boy!” she smiled enthusiastically. Dan was filled with joy, jumping up and down and clapping his hands, like that of a young child on Christmas morning to find he got everything he asked for.

On the other hand I was feeling bummed. I loved this miracle growing inside me and I couldn't help but to smile when I felt him fluttering around in there. But I felt as though all my dreams had been crushed, stomped into tiny bits and pieces. All my dreams of pink dresses, ballet lessons, pigtails with purple barrettes, gymnastics, barbies, baby dolls, easy bake ovens, girl scouts, so on, and so on just broken.

I was saddened. My dream of a daughter had been snatched away and replaced by Dan's dream of having a son. For the next month I didn't want to go baby shopping, I didn't want to share the news of expecting a boy with anyone. I wanted to get in my time machine, go back, and somehow arrange it so I was having a girl. Then when I was around 26 weeks along a friend was telling me how a mutual friend of ours had given birth to a boy. She told me our friend hadn't wanted a boy, but fell in love with him, only to have him die of SIDS a couple months later.

That is when I got out of bed, put a smile on my face, and decided I didn't want to live that way. I wanted to be thankful for even being blessed with the gift of a child. I wanted to appreciate all the things I did have. I wanted to love my future son and I wanted him to feel that love even before he were born. So many women cannot have children. Who was I to pout about being blessed with a son?

I gave birth to my son in June 2006. It is true what they say, there is no love that compares to the love a mother feels for her child. I fell in love with my son the very second they put him in my arms. I knew this was God's plan for me. I could do this.

This tremendous love I feel has lasted and it continues to grow everyday. Jeremiah makes life worth living, he always manages to make me laugh, and he never fails to surprise me. I used to think back and feel ashamed of how I reacted to having a son. But lately when I look back I have a new perspective. This is many thanks to all the other women out there who have felt the same feelings as I did, who have shared their stories with me, and have not been ashamed of it.

What I have learned along the way is that women, as men, have certain wants and dreams. Some men want a son, because they want someone to teach manly things, they want a son who will carry on the family name, and they want a son to do “guy” things with such as fishing and watching football. But I think some women, just like me, have a legacy they want to fulfill as well. They want a daughter to do “girly” things with, they want a daughter to teach womanly things, and they want a daughter to share precious moments with such as when she gets married and has children of her own. And there is nothing wrong with this. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

Gender disappointment is a real thing and I think more women experience it than we let on. I think as woman we are told we should love our children for what they are, and yes that is true, but we shouldn't be outcasted for feeling moments of disappointment. And that is why so many keep quiet for the fear of being found out. We fear someone might think we are a bad mother for being disappointed that we didnt have that son or that daughter we longed for. But it's okay to have expectations and it's okay to feel upset at the prospect of certain dreams being broken, even if only for a period of time.

Today I love my son more than words can ever say, but now and again I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see a woman strolling down the street with her daughter or when I am told that a good friend of mine is having her fourth daughter. But I remember all the reasons why I wouldn't give my son up for a million daughters, all the reasons why I love him, and I wouldn't change anything.

Dan and I want more children so my time isn't over just yet. My dreams have yet to be completely broken. I hope my dream isn't broken, maybe...just maybe I will get my wish. But even if it is broken, even if I have 2 or 3 sons I will still think I am one of the lucky ones. I am blessed and hopefully if God plans for me to have all sons, he blesses me with amazing daughter in laws, whom will allow me to share in her joy when she gets married and has children.

In the mean time God has already provided me with a beautiful, intelligent, and healthy goddaughter. And that to me is the next best thing, but that's a story I will save for another day.

Soul Mate

I feel the need to clarify....if for nothing more than to be honest.

When I refer to, Dan, as my husband...it is not meant in the traditional sense. Well sort of. Dan and I have never actually walked down the aisle of a church, recited vows in front of family and friends, nor have we fed each other cake and we do not share the same last name.

Don't get me wrong, we want to do these things. After being together for 6 years we know each other better than some married couples know one another. We know each other's favorites and least favorites, we know how to push the other's buttons, we share the same dreams and hopes for the future.

But we have not made it official just yet, because I want to finish school before we say those vows. I know Dan is the man I want to spend my life with and if I am going to get married I plan on doing it one time and one time only. So I want my wedding to be special and everything I have always dreamed it to be.

While it may not be official I do know that in my heart he is the man for me, the one in which I wish to grow old with, the one I want to make my husband. That is why in my book he is my husband. Dan for all intent and purposes is my soul mate.

What got me thinking about soul mates is, well Dan and I just got into a little tiff. Long story short I got home this evening, after spending some much needed time with my dad, put Jeremiah to sleep and proceeded to fold and put away all the clean laundry (which was a lot since I have been kind of lazy lately about the laundry...okay you got me, I am always lazy when it comes to folding and putting away laundry).

Anyway after completing that horrendous task all I wanted to do was sit my lazy butt on the couch, maybe watch a little bad TV and perhaps read a book (The Memory Keeper's Daughter...I bought it quite sometime ago and still haven't gotten around to reading it). Dan on the other hand, since I had first arrived home actually, decided he wanted to talk until my ears bleed. He has been chattering away practically non stop and quite frankly I just wasn't in the mood. So when the TV flickered on Dan got the hint, was insulted by the fact that I didn't feel like listening to him anymore, and stomped off to bed. Looking back it's quite funny, because usually it would be the woman doing what Dan did.

As much as I love Dan I know that our relationship takes some decent amount of work to keep it alive and well. Not because we're not in love, but because in all honesty Dan and I have the odds stacked against us. Here is why:

1. “ The Age Gap”: Dan and I are 14 years apart in age. That isn't just an age gap, we are literally in a completely different generation from one another. Because of this age difference Dan and I tend to view the world differently. Dan thinks like the 37 year old man he is and I think like the young 23 year old woman I am. Sometimes this can be a good thing though. Dan is older than me and can be more sensible and responsible when it comes to important issues, but as a young woman in her twenties I keep Dan young by offering fresh, new ideas and reminding him how vital it is to stay young at heart.

2. “Venus Vs. Mars”: This is something all couples struggle with and it is fairly simple. He is a man and I am a woman. No matter which two ways you look at it we naturally think, behave, and react in different ways.

3. “Gemini + Pices= ?”: Dan doesn't believe a single bit in the zodiac...but I do to a certain extent. I do not think it is mere coincidence that we tend to portray characteristics of the zodiac sign in which we were born under. As a pices Dan is sensitive, generous, caring, organized, dramatic, family oriented and needs a lot of reassuring. As a Gemini gal I am outgoing, carefree, fickle, never finish what I start, versatile, do not care what other people think, and fly by the seat of my pants. I am also not an overtly sensitive individual. I say what I think, I overshare, and I speak before I think most of the time, and more often than not I do not think nor care too much about how what I say might hurt someone's feelings, and believe me I have hurt people's feelings because of this. Not purposely, but it happens, and Dan is one of those people whose feelings are easily hurt.

Those are just a few examples of why Dan and I have to work at our relationship. We are merely different people. That is not a bad thing, because I wouldn't want to be with someone who is just like me, who enjoys all the same things, who always agrees with me...that would be boring.

There are also things Dan does that grind my gears so to speak. Such as how he thinks he does more for our family because he works, but I don't. I think I work too, here at home I do all the cleaning, cooking, and taking care of our son when he is not here to help. Dan also likes to play the blame game as in he hates to hold himself accountable for his own actions so he likes to pass the buck onto someone else. Dan also always wants to be right, because he is older he feels the need to be the one who is wiser and therefore knows things.

But despite all the reasons why we are so opposite of one another I know there are reasons why we are so meant for each other.

He makes me laugh with his insane stories and jokes, he is a hard worker and proves that everyday he goes out and makes money to support our family, he does know things that I don't know or understand, he is a good father to our son, he is reliable, he is loyal and honest, he is a good lover, a good cook when he does cook, he shares my dreams for the future, he is kind even to those he does not know, he is generous when he can be, he puts me and our son before himself, he is responsible, he makes me feel like a princess, he tells me I am beautiful everyday, he is affectionate, and I know I can tell him anything. Dan isn't just a good father, a good husband, a good man...he is an overall good person. More than anything he isn't just my soul mate, he is a close and dear friend. We will always have each other's back, he has my heart as I have his, and he is a part of who I am as a person.

And so yes, though at times it is hard work, I think all good things are worth working and fighting for. So, for me Dan is my love, my husband, my soul mate. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now ladies I ask you...how do you know your man is the one? Is he your soul mate? Why and how does he complete you/make you a better person?

Bitter.

When one is poor everything you see is something you cannot have. You go window shopping. Staring longingly at all the shiny, new objects that you wish you could buy. They call your name, please buy me. And it takes all the strength you have to muster up the courage to turn away.

Poor people spend their money on the things you need instead of the things they want. They shop at the local dollar tree, they buy used cars, they wear shoes from Payless, and pinch their pennies. There are more poor people in this world than there are rich.

 They say that being poor makes you humble. But I am not sure I believe that. Actually I don't believe that, not in the least bit. Let me be the first one to tell you I am poor and I am not humble. In fact being poor has left me with a taste of bitter, like that of a lemon on the tip of my tongue.

I envy those who have all the beautiful things that I want but do not have. The perfect house, the brand new car, the latest smartphone, that Gucci purse, the fantastic job, and money...all the money they could never know how to spend quite as well as I could.

They say that money can't buy you happiness. I am not sure who first said this or why people tend to hold onto this belief, but I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that money does buy you happiness. Money can buy you a house, a car, the perfect family, a tummy tuck, shit it can even buy you love if you're that desperate.

I don't mean to sound like a hater, but for now I guess you could say I am feeling a little poor these days. So, please excuse me if I sound bitter or worse yet nasty.

Letting Go

I always knew this day would come. I couldn't possibly expect him to be a baby forever. I wanted to keep him nestled right next to me til the end of time, but alas it is time to let go. Jeremiah started kindergarten last Monday. Even though Jeremiah went to pre-school for two years, this still feels different. Kindergarten marks a moment in a childs' life that signifies they are truly a big kid.

I am partly excited for him and in a way I am ready to embrace this change. While I have enjoyed spending much of my days with him, it is nice to send him off to school on the school bus and have my days free. Although, I admitt I am bored out of my mind most of the day. I lay around in my pajamas watching reruns of Law & Order: SVU, surfing the web, and thinking about what me and Jeremiah can do once he makes it home.

But I am also nervous for him. Something about starting school gets those butterflies in my tummy all stirred up and makes my palms sweat. I wonder how he will adapt to his new school and his new teacher, and new classmates. Will he like it there? Will he make friends or become the next, new victim of the school bully? What is he doing all day? Is he learning? Are the teachers nice to him?

This is only the second week of school and he hasn't gotten any homework just yet. I have received a paper of lowercase and uppercase A's that he had cut out and glued onto a sheet of paper and a paper where he traced his name. Both of which I am proud of, have showed to anyone who will take a peek, and are now displayed on the fridge.

On Monday I got a call from the school nurse informing me that during recess Jeremiah bumped his face on the playground equipment and will be coming home with a bruise...sure enough today my baby has a shiner on his left eye/cheeck. Every time I look at it I think "my poor baby" and I give him kisses to soothe the pain away. Dan tells me he is boy and will have more shiners in his days. He says it will toughen him up, but to me Jeremiah is my baby...I don't want him to toughen up just yet.

Today I received a letter in Jeremiah's school folder that Jeremiah had alot of tears today. He didn't want to do his work, he didn't want to share, and he refused to eat his lunch. That broke my heart to hear that he is having such a difficult time. I wrote back that sharing is a battle we are working through at home as well (he's an only child and doesn't have many friends his age), I wrote that tomorrow we will see how Jeremiah does with a hot lunch at school instead of me packing his lunch for him, and if there was anything I could do at home to help him to please let me know. How else am I to respond?

Jeremiah is in a special, autism classroom. I thought that would make things easier on him, but so far he is not taking this well. He keeps asking me about his pre-school teacher from last year and every time I explain to him again that he is in a new grade this year and therefore he has a new school and a new teacher. I am not too worried though. Last year he was upset about having a new teacher, but within a couple months he loved her. I believe that with time and patience Jeremiah will grow to enjoy his new school, learn to love his new teacher, and make good friends with his classmates.

At least that is the hope I am floating on. I knew that letting go would be hard for me, but I never imagined that it would be just as hard, if not harder, on him too. This sucks. Why doesn't anyone warn you that letting go is another challenge all its own? Not just for parent, but for child.

I pray things slowly but surely get better. If you are reading this I ask that you pray for Jeremiah too. Pray that he learns to love his new school and teachers, may he not get beaten up by any bullies, and may he excel within due time.

Kindergarten is hard work.

Home Sweet Home

I have been home since the 14th of August and it is good to be home again. Of course I miss everyone back in Chicago, especially my little bro and my mom, but I have so many loved ones here and it is good to see them again. I told you I would write a long post about my vacation and indeed I am...

I arrived in Chicago on July 30th around 5:30 in the evening. I realized that the train wasn't too bad. It is much more roomier than the Greyhound, but still not quite as fast as an airplane. Jeremiah loved the train. He usually plays with his toy trains and God forbid we drive across choo choo train tracks, because he will beg that we do it again. So, actually being on a real train thrilled him beyond his wildest dreams.

We spent the entire first week of our stay with my mother and my little brother, Jonathan. My brother isn't too little anymore. He is 13 years old and basically a teenage boy. When I seen him I hardly recognized him. Within one year's time he had changed so much. He is getting a mustache and hair on his legs. I couldn't believe it. We went shopping, swimming, and there were a couple days we did nothing but watch tv and relax. It didn't matter to me though. Being there with them, talking and laughing was good enough for me.

The second week we were there we spent with my grandmother Katie. We went to my Aunt Karen's block party and Jeremiah had a blast. He spent an entire hour inside the bounce house with his uncle Jonathan. And after some coaxing and lots of praise he loved the water slide. He spent around three hours on that. All that playing worked up an appetite and we enjoyed gyros and cotton candy. We were also there to celebrate my grandmother Katie's 60th birthday and we seen the Smurfs movie.

All in all the vacation was everything I hoped it to be and more. I was filled with joy to be there with my family. My family is loud and crazy. They fight and don't always use the most appropriate language. Some of them lie, some of them have serious problems, and some of them are not the brightest crayons in the box. But I think we can all relate. All of us have crazy families.

And I love my wild and crazy family. I wouldn't change them for anything in the world. I have fun with them. I can tell them anything, we can laugh about everything, and even though we may not always see eye to eye we are there for one another. We have each other's backs...and that's what family is all about.

I am defenitely going back next summer for another two weeks, and if I am lucky I am going to try to see them for a week during Christmas vacation, but we will have to see. Until then I have all those precious moments, treasured memories...that I will hold close and dear to my heart.

*By the way...for the record I took tons of pictures while I was there...149 to be specific. But I didn't want to have a photo bomb going on here. So, I chose my favorites and shared them with you. I hope you enjoy my Chicago Vacation photo collages. Smile =)

Vacation!

Hey everyone! Well I have been in Chicago for just 3 days officially. I must say it is still a beautiful city and I am enjoying it to the fullest. I have been spending time with all my loved ones and loving every minute of it. Of course my family is still as crazy as ever, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

My brother and cousin have been fighting over me like I am some shiny new toy they found, everyone still talks loud and laughs even louder and harder. It has been a busy few days. Visiting with everyone and swimming and eating and laughing. So far this vacation is turning out to be the best and I am having the time of my life and so is Jeremiah.

Well I am pooped and ready to get some sleep. I wrote this on my phone so if I messed up...I am sorry. When I get back home stay tuned for a long vacation post filled with tons of pictures. Happy summer readers! Tata for now.