Everyone has wants and dreams. The lucky ones will see their dreams fulfilled and for some those dreams will never become a reality. I can only hope I am one of the lucky ones and if not then I hope I can be happy with what I do have and not dwell upon what I do not have.
When I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to fill my home with the pitter patter of tiny feet, the laughter of children, family traditions, and fingerpaintings strewn across every available surface. I knew I wanted to be a young mother as well. I still clung to the dreams of having an education, a fabulous career, great friends, and a happy marriage, but having children was nestled right there at the top of the list.
It was no surprise to me when I found myself pregnant. And while I admitt there were moments in which I felt nervous, there were more moments in which I was thrilled beyond belief. My dream of becoming a mother was coming true.
When I envisioned this moment, the moment of having my first child, I always seen myself the mother of a beautiful, little girl. Four generations of women in my family had given birth to girls for their firstborns. I never imagined myself any different, why should I break that chain? I knew then, as I know now, the science behind gender. I know that the man's sperm is the one that determines if it will be a boy or girl, but I just knew I was meant to have a daughter.
Until the night before my 19 week ultrasound. I slept hard that night, tossing and turning, and I dreamnt that night, as I always do. The dream was so vivid and felt so real that in the morning I awoke with full rememberance of my dream. As I slept I dreamnt that I was in a hospital and throughout this hospital stood a charming, handsome little boy. I was chasing him, yearning to grab hold of him, but no matter how close I got, I was unable to catch him.
I tried to shake it off, but I just knew it was a sign. I wasn't going to have that sweet baby girl, but rather a baby boy. I made it to my appointment with Dan in tow and as the young, polite ultrasound tech spread the warm gel across my swollen belly and waved her magic wand, pointing to various body parts, showing us the heartbeat, and telling me everything looked just perfect, I was in a daze. She asked us if we would like to know the sex and I nodded earnestly. “It's a boy!” she smiled enthusiastically. Dan was filled with joy, jumping up and down and clapping his hands, like that of a young child on Christmas morning to find he got everything he asked for.
On the other hand I was feeling bummed. I loved this miracle growing inside me and I couldn't help but to smile when I felt him fluttering around in there. But I felt as though all my dreams had been crushed, stomped into tiny bits and pieces. All my dreams of pink dresses, ballet lessons, pigtails with purple barrettes, gymnastics, barbies, baby dolls, easy bake ovens, girl scouts, so on, and so on just broken.
I was saddened. My dream of a daughter had been snatched away and replaced by Dan's dream of having a son. For the next month I didn't want to go baby shopping, I didn't want to share the news of expecting a boy with anyone. I wanted to get in my time machine, go back, and somehow arrange it so I was having a girl. Then when I was around 26 weeks along a friend was telling me how a mutual friend of ours had given birth to a boy. She told me our friend hadn't wanted a boy, but fell in love with him, only to have him die of SIDS a couple months later.
That is when I got out of bed, put a smile on my face, and decided I didn't want to live that way. I wanted to be thankful for even being blessed with the gift of a child. I wanted to appreciate all the things I did have. I wanted to love my future son and I wanted him to feel that love even before he were born. So many women cannot have children. Who was I to pout about being blessed with a son?
I gave birth to my son in June 2006. It is true what they say, there is no love that compares to the love a mother feels for her child. I fell in love with my son the very second they put him in my arms. I knew this was God's plan for me. I could do this.
This tremendous love I feel has lasted and it continues to grow everyday. Jeremiah makes life worth living, he always manages to make me laugh, and he never fails to surprise me. I used to think back and feel ashamed of how I reacted to having a son. But lately when I look back I have a new perspective. This is many thanks to all the other women out there who have felt the same feelings as I did, who have shared their stories with me, and have not been ashamed of it.
What I have learned along the way is that women, as men, have certain wants and dreams. Some men want a son, because they want someone to teach manly things, they want a son who will carry on the family name, and they want a son to do “guy” things with such as fishing and watching football. But I think some women, just like me, have a legacy they want to fulfill as well. They want a daughter to do “girly” things with, they want a daughter to teach womanly things, and they want a daughter to share precious moments with such as when she gets married and has children of her own. And there is nothing wrong with this. This is nothing to be ashamed of.
Gender disappointment is a real thing and I think more women experience it than we let on. I think as woman we are told we should love our children for what they are, and yes that is true, but we shouldn't be outcasted for feeling moments of disappointment. And that is why so many keep quiet for the fear of being found out. We fear someone might think we are a bad mother for being disappointed that we didnt have that son or that daughter we longed for. But it's okay to have expectations and it's okay to feel upset at the prospect of certain dreams being broken, even if only for a period of time.
Today I love my son more than words can ever say, but now and again I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see a woman strolling down the street with her daughter or when I am told that a good friend of mine is having her fourth daughter. But I remember all the reasons why I wouldn't give my son up for a million daughters, all the reasons why I love him, and I wouldn't change anything.
Dan and I want more children so my time isn't over just yet. My dreams have yet to be completely broken. I hope my dream isn't broken, maybe...just maybe I will get my wish. But even if it is broken, even if I have 2 or 3 sons I will still think I am one of the lucky ones. I am blessed and hopefully if God plans for me to have all sons, he blesses me with amazing daughter in laws, whom will allow me to share in her joy when she gets married and has children.
In the mean time God has already provided me with a beautiful, intelligent, and healthy goddaughter. And that to me is the next best thing, but that's a story I will save for another day.
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