The 7th Stage

In psychology and then again in Stress Management I was taught that there are seven stages of grief that one goes through. We usually experience these stages when a loved one dies, but it isn't quite as simple as that. Research suggests that we go through the stages of grief not only when someone dies, but even when we end a relationship, and parents of special needs children experience it as well.

When a parent learns that their child has a special need, something dies right then and there. Their child is alive, but their dream....that dream child dies. I have experienced these stages firsthand when I found out Jeremiah had a high functioning form of autism...

Stage One: Shock
When Jeremiah was diagnosed I was sort of shocked. I had known for awhile that Jeremiah was not your typically developing child. I had my suspisions, but I honestly believed he was just a late bloomer or had a mild speech delay. I never thought he would have a condition that would plague him for the rest of his life.

Stage Two: Denial
I even went through this stage. For a short time I thought maybe they were wrong. Surely, this couldn't be possible. Afterall, autism is more likely to occur when a family member has it...but noone in Dan or my family had it. So, there must have been kind of mistake. This stage didn't last long though...because I also knew you couldn't argue facts and science.

Stage Three: Bargaining
I thought I could talk my way out of this. Maybe if I promised to help others less fortunate, volunteer my time to the needy...then God would make Jeremiah better. I just had to be a better person and once all was forgiven Jeremiah could be normal.

Stage Four: Guilt
This is a stage that comes and goes. It never seems to go away completely. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I must have done something wrong. Maybe I didn't hold him enough as a baby? Maybe I didn't do something right during my pregnancy...did I not eat the right foods? Then I feel guilty thinking about future children I hope to have...if they're normal...will he always be behind them? I feel guilty that he is like this...will he have friends? Will he finish school and go to college? Will he be able to have a career? Marriage? Kids of his own someday?

Stage Five: Anger
Sometimes I am just angry. I am angry at the world because the world is a tough place to hang. I get angry with God...isn't life hard enough being normal? Why did he choose my child to live life this way? I am angry when I see parents with their normal children...it's not fair. I am angry this is happening to us, to him.

Stage Six: Depression
Then there are the times you feel depressed. Sometimes I am embarassed when we're out in public and Jeremiah is stemming. And then I feel instantly sad, angry, upset with myself for feeling that way. I get depressed when I think about all the things that Jeremiah may never get to experience...when I think about the times when he may not fit in or he may be picked on for being different.

Stage Seven: Acceptance/Hope
I have reached this stage, depite the fact that once in awhile I jump back to the previous stages. I have accepted Jeremiah for who he is. I have informed myself as much as I can about autism and continue to do so. I know in my heart it is nothing I did wrong and no amount of bribing is going to make it go away. I still have hope that they will find a cure...if not for Jeremiah then for future children. I remain hopeful that Jeremiah will make friends, he will be a good student, he will become successful in whatever career path he takes, and he will get married and have children (if he wants to).

The message of this post is simply if you are going through these stages, if you are the parent of a special need child don't be ashamed. You are not alone and it is normal to grieve...and more than all else never give up hope. Always try to wake up with a smile, laugh as much as you can, love like there is no tomorrow, and always look at the glass half full.